Coming out dispair

I read some coming out stories in a site and was amazed by the touching stories of how life has been so refreshing and rather new as they embrace the new sence of freedom.

I wish at times if this gay thing would be a choice as many on the mainstream say. honestly i would pass but since am innately with it i felt that the journey of self acceptance also need to include the opening of one's world to experience what others would bring
Comming out month passed and i started my journey of unshackling myself from york albeit cant promise family will be included in the "revelation"
Today i came out to a friend (was kinder hoping on the low hez bi) but his reaction stalted me to say the least ,he showed no emotion~no shock,anger,happiness, just behaved liked i dint say anything.i know some people ignore these revelation more if he aint digging it.
Am rather left despondent,angry with my vulnerability,feeling so melancholic and rather regretive.
I think am getting lost so much in these world of mixed emotions just hope one day i will see happines of being in a relationship with a guy since am deffinately going to marry a woman.
wheew!!!

NOT AGAIN URGH!!!

hey yo,i knw so so so long,after school i got an internship which was located at the country side .
yea am so missing the big city,so back to the main issue of this blog,i met a young relatively handsome guy here and boy did we have chemistry,i felt wiered since we have never discussed the issue of gayness or same sex attraction but i felt like my gaydar was telling me something.
i was getting attached emotionally then he totaly brings the issue of a girlfriend,and a convo we had that totaly convinced me nigga is straight.
for a moment i thought this would be my first but saddly the wait continues,wil i get a gay/bi guy among the straight forlk,mabe am luking at the wrong places,or wil someone find me hiding in this glass closet? i hope its transparent enough to get me a guy.
i broke up with my girlfriend ~yea was due..
wat can i say another straight bait.wait continues.cheers

Gone 2 soon *arabian crush*

Am really saddened by the recent death of my very hawt arabian neighbour "flames" i nick named him,infact he was the inspiration of the arabian fetish post.

Its really funny because we never known each other apart from simply hi waves.but his death was so sudden nd shocking adding to the fact his absolutely gorgeous smoking self was cremated.

He was so young ,unmarried,rich family,druggie buddies and gals throwing themselves at him so sad.Talk about eye candy loss.

Off gay sex

Was reading this blog "kindergayblog"(typing with the phone so cnt post the link) amazing btw.

Anyhow was reading some info about gay sex which was raised by a reader.

Being gay most tymes is captioned by "sealing the transition that is having gay sex" this is a stereotype many of us have that is really skewed.

Human beings are wired in different ways and even gay men have various ways of sexual gratification.many prefer anal penetratation,some prefer oral gratification,some just cuddling nd kissing does it (more 4 love birds)
so its not a rite of passage to have anal sex.

The crazy stories of the pain,feacal matter nd @ tymes consentual intercourse turning rape when one cant handle the pain scares many of us the virgins and its best that ones first tyme is done with an understanding and loving patner.

Use of adequate lube,condoms(for disease prevention) and a patner that can be well understanding if the pain becomes unbearable he can stop.

Sex labels can be a turn off more if sex needs an understanding.Tops never bottoms,bottoms dnt wana top,verse needs verse .Ample communication is very paramount for an eassy first tyme.
thoughts,experiences?

Queer deviances

We ramble with wants,needs,desires,expectations,anticipations but what do we get excitement,utter disapointments,shocking revelations,nonsensical results,these many a times derials our feeling of quench dat lies behind the hollow oasis within us.

All the above emotions have led one way or another to my being pure nd untouched.I have longed to find the ONE ~wierdly enough i want the one to be a guy,someone that i can adore,plasure,play with,laugh with ,be the real me with ,cry,cuddle under the sun,pinch and make love until the sunset ,but realism just snaps me outa my trance leaving me with questions,
does this Adonis exist?
do you fear letting go?
are u scared of the feelings of attachment?
have you done enough to find him?

Answers to the above are all ambigous,so many variables under play,being discreet,want the unavailable ,no chemistry with ones met.
I have a weakness with my gaydar it really lies to me more so if am smittened away,i wil ignore the warning alarms hoping and praying with baited breath,it might right this tyme.
I read somewea frank ocean(blind item~wil post it soon) apparently loves *turning out straight mean* some gays find the thrill of chasing the unavailable straight man and some fall into curious temptation never to luk back.
I wish i had the strength,will,witt,game,charm, gusto to fall into that play.
Wining is a thrill i hear but the risks are dangerous.
My biggest weakness i must say is am a coward to fully throw myself into the gay dating pool.With delusional hopes one day might ,one day i would actually be dead on right.:)

My first guy date ~with a french

So i muster all the courage my body can give me and reach a resolution to do something about my gay side dating.
I got hit up on fb and chit chat ,Few weeks later we have a date, guess by whom??A DAMN EUROPEAN.so nigga calls me in the morning nervous as a wreck trying to chat ,pliz if u know me better am moodiest when am groggy.
Well i finally agree we meet up later in the day @ a condusivejoint i can dissapear if my eyes dnt like what they see(no judging).
By actual time am @ the place mr paris(Lets call him dat,hez french) keeps me waiting a damn 25min so i call his ass dat am leaving then ding hez at the entrance ,so i see some tiny luking dude ,not tiny tiny but shorter than me ,am 5'11 so pretty tall ,averagely weight(nt too thin nt too fat)!
So i decide nt to bail(i can handle this) sorry hez luks,he tld me hezz 28 so amthinking maybe not too ugly old white (many in kenya) wanting a quick nut from a fresh blood rushing kenyan man.Oh well he luks 40 with wrinkles all over but hez boy cute face stil strugling to shine underneath the oncoming senility.
We get a place to drink ,"soda will do jst fine" ,i tell the waiter.
juice please ,mr paris politely orders.
so i do most of the questioning,where do u work? how long hav u been in the country? suprisingly enough hez been to my countryside @ home hmmm ,"the world is small",he chuckles.
i smile.
Mr paris kept making me repeat everything i said ,getting his ears closer,this was a tad annonying and uncomfortable.then hez accent english pronounced in french ,lawd hav mercy.
I wasnt feeling him considering earlier in the day he tld me i work as a call boy*Gasp* .
After 20 min of stale convo overshadowed by akward silence ,i gulped the remaining soda and called it done.
Jst btw mr paris is a married man with two children in france and the wife knows not the hubby likes to be dicked down.
Strangley enough i couldnt even fathom being naked with him,yuck is wat came close,call me choosy but another blind date ,hmmm will agree for this blogs posting ,but me dating in the gay arena not ready yet.I told him am bisexual leaning towards women(lied)broke up with my gf(truth) neva done anything with a dude(truth)
i guess these are difinitive points that maybe also lower hez expectation of getting laid.too bad but he seemed like a nice guy bt i want a straight luking thug,i wana be on the DL,discreet.
He wants a second meeting ,dnt know wat to say but dat was BORINGLY PAINFUL FOR MY FIRST EVER GUY DATE.

Looking out the window train

I have been rather lethagic to say the least lately with this side of my being.
i feel like gay dating in kenya is a lost cause,many potentials yet many of "us" hide under the glares of normalcy risking not the shame of living an african "abormination" they say.
Hmmm was reading some blog which delves deep into the lifestyle in kenya and boy was i scared,curious,amused,shocked,entertained and enlightened on the many struggles fellow dick lovers go through.
Its funny because what was very pronounced from what i read was the inherent cheating,lack of open masculine men(most openly gay here are effeminate bottoms) ,gay stereotypes shadowed more in the notion of being identified ,like rodents we run unto the dark cornes lest the truth lets out ,we find ourselves in reality we cant handle but anyway thses phenomenons revibrate in all cultures of gaydom .
Lastly i finally saw some two guys holding hands (would pass as straight dudes) tightly ,i thnk they were a couple ~they were so cute!!!
ofcourse pple were oggling strangley but i kinder reminded me of a viral pic of two black dudes on a train one lying on the others chest.LOVE can be brave.

NOT CONFLICTED BUT ACCEPTED.

when i started this blog my gosh i was in a lost place,i had feeling of attraction to men with baffled me many a times.
a part of loved it so much jst as i loathed my self ,i was taught men should behave in a certain way and going against the grain is abnormality near abomination.
who could i tell ,i needed somebody to listen,to cry with me, a voice to tell me its okay,a shoulder to bury my shame so i thot, seeking solace in my world was impudency to claim.
i wasnt ready for people to know me like this,the jeers,the whispers,the shame, the self doubt,the third eye ad be given,i wasnt ready to cry and face the world .
reading blogs here jst was a breath of fresh air,just wat i needed, "VAIN,RECLUSIVE ONE,GAYTEKEEPER,SINIA SAFI,CUPETEA,RANDOM,BAMA BOY BLUES jst to name a few have helped me in this wonderful journey.
i love myself more am not ashamed of who i am no confliction anymore,i knw who i am and ofcourse the road wont be easy but al enjoy it.
al be changing the blogs name soon to reflect my new identity.
cheers yoll

Smouldering

I have recently been busy with school work exams and relevant entities.Thank God am finaly done with college as i embark on my journey of adult hood coupled with freedom of exploration.

Got a hit up recently from some guyz on fb but i was never feeling both~an asian dude and some teen ,the teen seemed kinder nice but my concience wasnt feeling it ,the young lad needs more time for self realization.The asian dude was kinder way mature for me he was like 10yrs older than me~experienced in gay dating and all.

I just feel like i want some age mate we could reason with @ per because it would be easier for me to be my self act under no pressure and feel the vibe well.

Shocker is i cant to let go dem nigga i had a huge crush on(hot boy) from previous post,even though i kinder told him off on his general character ettiquette~he seemed so pissed and probably not friends anymore but anyhow am awesome nd life is a bitch..

Not fealt this post.nkt..

I have been getting this feeling guyz have been checking me out.i have kinder upgraded my style ,clothings,i walk around more confident self aware without a care in the world.

My main problem is after i hitted on my straight friend which ended in a hot mess,i want to be atleast sure or slightly convinced the next nigga would be bi/gay.

The gaydar is something is still very elusive for me,how does one know ,a dude is into you,the look,his demenour,his swag,hes behaviour around you.

Here many people are closeted and knowing who wants to play can be very daunting or atleast hard.

People i need tips,suggestions,things i can even do myself to give the gay vibe to attract dem brothers my way.

I seriously need some man loving real hard ,i feel like am ready to explore this side of me.Its my life anyway so will be very catious of the consequences that comes with it.

If you are single and in kenys hit me up in my email or all yo can send me emails of elaborate tip/directions.

All info send to robmark516@gmail.com ,all will be appreciated. thnx yo.

IDENTITY

when i was growing up ,my life was in shambles living as an orphan that no one wanted,found a burden by many,dispised more often ,as a child we feel bruised and emoionally emasculated.

One has to find solace and a strength in what makes us feel valuable and full of worth.many a times we develop a thick skin to block the pain away.

This rather developed me into a being that is self aware and know my guards ohh to well,using my strengths to my benefits and working through my weaknesses to be better.

Self identity is a process that can take years depending with factors one lives in.One would ask me what is your strongest point as many will go with  physicality,achievements but i would rather without a shred of doubt go for my mind.It can open doors and overcome barriers @ times even living me all to well perplexed by my capabilities.

Sexuality is one of the hardest things that has really bagged me strongly i might say.I feel attracted to guys yes but never acted upon it until recently finally caving out of the comfort shell.many around me know am very opinionated and have strong value for certain things in life like homosexuality.

Many gays find their identities on their sexuality ,its what they flaunt ,its who they really and all about yet ,being critical of them based on that they find offense.*DEBATEABLE*

Lets find identity on our content of characters we are inside of us.was listening to this bbc documentary of gays in turkey who don't want to go to the army so to be allowed to do so they have to prove they are gay~photos or sex tapes.i get their pain but why cant gay men prove we are just as MEN like other men.

Where is the masculine gay constructor "left" he is just as gay , gay doesn't have to be all sissy ,wanna be female which Hollywood is showing.more so here in Kenya. gay people are associated with prostitution and femininity which is VERY vague and insulting.there is a straight looking accountant,
chef,teacher,ceo,engineer,lawyer who's identity is not really his sexuality but what he stands for in the society.

We are fabulous beings and we aught to eradicate the "vast" misconceptions by giving our identity some concrete.we just so happen to enjoy sex with the same gender but we are just as men ..

ELUSIVE FANTACY

Life is a journey that we would love to control,hear the whispers of the wind on the trees,the cries of pain of the suffering,we mask ourselves hoping it gets better,we adapt to different situations and environnments in order to lessen the pain or increase the comftability. life is a strange process at times it overwhelms us with its facets of dynamism ,we so entangled so deep we fasten our belts but never know how to untie them.

Mr hot cake (lets call him SK) The man that unbuckled my safety belts and knuckled me senseless with his beauty.so i came out to him as i told you guys earlier.his response was rather strange,we were supposed to meet up on a wednesday ,so he told me he will hala .dude dint even care to text or call ,so i text him of course with an agitated sound to tell him we just call it off~hard hinted of my intentions and we cant be friends.so he was like its all gud if its what you want.My gudness it was such a painful period getting rid of the emotions and forgetting him,them he calls four days later like nothing happened that am silent.geez

So i texted him later that day telling him how i really feel,kissing his lips!gosh they are luscious,don't even start me up on his booty with all his man swag,maleness oozing of him,he does the sagging thing where i would see Dem cakes PERFECTLY i want him more.He has this tenderness about him that is so attractive so irresistible.

So he said NO it cant happen,it was heart piercing but also a sense of freedom i direly needed to be able to let go and move on.i have decided am not going to cling on something that is never going to happen ,the unavailable type that will mess my feelings as he enjoys his gf pussy without a care in the world.

My love wil go more to loving me and having more time for self reavaluation to find my strenghts that wil help me be a better person in my world as well as to the next lover.chasing shadows is epitomy of apathy in sence of delusionment that am not going to let take me over.i cant change him or make him a person he is not,to feel things he cant feel or know not how.letting go is a relieve that is gonna help me grow...

But strangely enough he gave me a sense of elusive fantasy ,that removed me from my comfort zone and finally made me crave to explore this side of me,listening to kate voegele,colbie caillat,joshua radin and jason mraz aint helping either but i guess these are experiences we learn from and be better persons.

cheers.

crazzy ha!!

Sometimes stars have their significant others come visit them on the set at work. Such is the case with this acting couple. She came to his film set for a quick visit before hopping a plane back to her own film set. It was nice day, and the two of them went inside and shut the door. You already know what happened next: Fifteen minutes of noisy, trailer-rocking sex! Now, this wasn’t some quickie in a private place. This was a trailer, parked on a city street, with the windows wide open, and the two of them moaning so loudly that anyone within thirty feet could hear them! The actor’s bodyguard (who was stationed outside the trailer) was clearly embarrassed, and did his best to make sure that civilians were staying far away from the trailer, but there was nothing he could do about the crew members who were lingering nearby, enjoying the sexy entertainment. What is really odd to us is that people who know this couple have told us in the past that they are a PR setup and that the two don’t even like each other! So either they were putting on a very realistic performance to convince others that their relationship is legit … or they are now are serious eff buddies. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel


AM TORN ON WHAT TO BELIEVE HERE..

FAMOUS Blind vicers

It turns out that Hollywood is not the only place you need beards. Sports also has a need for beards. What happens when you combine the two? You get an NFL player who wants to meet gay actors so "dates" a B list actress. Hey, she has done it before for a reality star. Hayden Panettiere and Scotty McKnight 

Which (unfortunately) A list R&B singer loves touring overseas because he hires male hookers he beats while yelling he's not gay & then fucks them. Usher

 THIS A-List actor shed his substance abuse problems to become a Hollywood role model for clean living, but now it seems he has a new addiction – cross-dressing! He loves to doll himself up in vintage women’s clothing and has spent more than $10,000 on items such as high heels, dresses, fancy hair accessories and hats. The goods are ordered online (using an alias) and delivered to his manager’s house. Robert Downey Jr.

 THIS Oscar-winning ladies’ man has taken his obsessive and out-of-control sex life to new levels. The heterosexual comedian/actor/singer is so insatiable that he’s started turning tricks with men! Who is the newly bisexual star? Jamie Foxx

 This actor has been immersing himself in work and flying under the radar lately. That will soon change. His reps have been beard shopping for him to start publicity just in time for a couple of films to hit theaters. Jake Gyllenhaal



digging more dirt..stay tunned

'I DONT CARE WHAT U THINK" ACTOR GETS STEAMY

Long before his first statue, this award-winning actor once beat the shit out of a paparazzo. The actor was enjoying some intimate company at a private NYC men’s club when he was surprised by the photographer. The actor – who normally is known for being a laid-back kind of guy – went absolutely berserk. He grabbed the camera away from the paparazzo and started wailing on the guy with his fists. His friends pulled him off, paid off the bloodied photographer, and thankfully convinced him not to press charges. Good thing, too, or else the actor might not be taken seriously when he promotes peaceful solutions to conflicts. George Clooney

Man of GOD has asecret

There is an area in Griffith Park where you can take the kiddies for a train ride. A certain actor used to enjoy taking men for another kind of ride in the same area. He would cruise the park, pick up a guy, and then hook up with them in his car. The really ironic thing here is that the actor is so religious that when he was a teen heartthrob (a couple of decades ago) he used to insist that any dialogue that was even the slightest bit sexual or profane be removed from his lines because they violated his sense of decency. He’s all grown up now – and still cruises for guys – but we’re sure his wife really appreciates what a moral man she married. Kirk Cameron

Mr ,mission immpossible plays for us..

This top actor recently engaged the professional company of an effeminate boy for the night. The following night our star was out at a bar with a group of people. The boy and his pimp showed up with a group of his own to demand payment for the services rendered. The pimp zeroed in on our star, a yelling match ensued between the two groups, and things quickly escalated into a physical brawl. Somebody got hurt, but it wasn’t our star, who was promptly hustled out of there. However, any stories about the event have conveniently left out the part about the hooker and the pimp, as well as the fact that the fight took place in a gay bar. Our star stays in the closet and lives to fight another day. Jeremy Renner

Bit of a schocker even for me.. 

Mr. Hairy-Tuchus makes a come back

Isn't it funny when somebody like Strawberry Snort 'Em appears to have it all: Devoted and cute BF? Check. Cool digs? Beyond-average talent? Check. Back-stabbing besties? Check! But when the love affair busts up, Strawberry stops eating and starts snorting even more, so sad! But, this Vice isn't about Strawberry, it's about a dude who never, ever wants to be in Strawberry's lovelorn position: Topher Hairy-Tuchus. And even though Topher's determined to not get caught in love again (he's had a couple of bad breakups), he's not at all averse to getting caught in lust: As we first told you,Topher's into the anonymous sex thing. And whereas we used to think it was just because Mr. Hairy-Tuchus, like many men in Hollywood, is just a plain ol' closeted actor, well, that's not the only reason he likes to get it on with other guys on the down low. "He's just done with love, that's all. It's not so much his career, which is what everyone thinks," says a pal who knows Topher both personally, and professionally. Whoa. So Topher's not so designing in the love department as much as we first thought? Amazing! Because Topher sure has been giving us all a run for his red-carpet money lately with various sexy ladies by his side—and then some. "No, no, no," added our Topher source. "He's just horny. And permanently non-committed. It's really that simple. The chicks are a cover for his [sex], not so much his career, get it?" Do we ever. And here we thought Hairy-Tuchus was some kind of grand, scheming Toothy Tile, who knew! Just remember, Toph, play safe! And It Ain't: Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Ryan Gosling. Bradley Cooper

Actors throws us by

You probably saw lots of photos of celebrities on vacation over the holidays. For example, there were photos of this attractive acting couple, relaxing together, all cozy and kissy and handsy. Sweet, right? Well, the real gossip is in what the cameras didn’t show you: the guy’s real boyfriend (also an actor), who accompanied the couple on the vacation but managed to stay just out of camera range. Yes, the relationship you see in pretty pictures is just a professional bearding arrangement, desperately trying to look like a real relationship. Bradley Cooper & Zoe Saldana; Zoe Kravitz, Penn Badgley, and Shawn Pyfrom

HE FINE AS HELL!!!

 We met a couple of weeks ago in the school's computer lab.The thing is i have been seeing him around campus and men does he bring it.  He is around 6 ft my height,choclate skin,cute tiny eyes,muscular broad shoulders nd chest,gorgeous lips(damn i want to kiss them so hard) and nice booty cake that sold me forever.He love sagging so i get to see and want what i see.hehe 

So it went well meeting infact we really chatted that day together ,he even gave ma a push 3km from school.so days went by we became close  quite close .  One day when we were chatting the topic of gays arose and goodness me he was livid with hate ,which to be truthful took me aback but i could get a sence he was taking the "high normal road " to throw me off gaurd in his views on the topic.

 The folllowing day i texted him this"i enoyed our time together but we have to count our losses and move on as you have something i want and will never get."  He was shocked and wrecked only for me to notice i meant something to him.so he texted me later inquiring why? 

The convo went like this;
him:wats up?
me;nothing much just chilling
 him:the message?
me;what do you make of it?
 him;you are a coward? me;haha -what did i say to suggest him:refer to text(i had deleted so he sent me the text)
me;i guess i am him:
what did you want outta me?
 me:lsomething i cant have,beautiful ugly
 him:nothing like beautiful ugly
me:i cant say fear of unknown
 him:TOK
 me:new territories,good things that can make me lose myself
 him:?
 me:this will be akward 2morow
him;not at all lol
me:what do you think
 him;There are 2 "this"currently
me;am lost
 him:good you are 

NB/HE JST GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH HIS EX GALFRND....  so guys where is this going because i cant stop thinking of him he has swept me away.he is everything i ever wanted in a dude.  We are meeting tommorow will see what happens...keep tuned.

Why is It so hard!! This part of the world its very hard to discern who is playing for the right team(one can raise the gaydar red flag only to be deny the truth) . i know in other parts of the worlds its a free're society so hiting on somebody is'nt a big deal. here i dont thinks it plausible having the fear of unknown reaction always hovering around knowing very well the vast society are ignorantly homophobic"unafrican many would say harshingly". this has been one of my many detriments with gay dating , its so damn hard and the few that are available are either both extremes -effeminate or butch queens. For me am looking for a straight luking dude and not for sexual escapades but a gud relationship. its not always about sex , i know the cliches of gay men having crazy libidos or sluty but anm not for prosmiscuity i value my health knowing the repercusions.

Britisn upcomer hides the internet secret

This up and coming British star is in the news for his on-again/off-again relationships with women. What they aren’t reporting about is his steady relationship with an online man whom he has been seeing for at least the last five years.  


Alex Pettyfer

British hunks enjoy themselves

It is a barely kept secret that these two A list movie actors swing both ways when it comes to women and men. Although their public relationships have all been women the two continue to see men when the chance presents itself. Well, considering the two have been co-stars in the past, it is not surprising at all that they have taken the opportunity to avail themselves of each other. Until recently, the female significant other of one of the actors would also join them on occasion. It was actually her suggestion that the two guys hook up because they would keep it private and her suggestion that she join them.


  Robert Downey Jr. (wife Susan)/Jude Law.

Hunky actor diffuses the truth

He’s a big movie star. She’s had one really major role, and is already booked for half a dozen new projects. You probably already know that they are dating. What you may not know are the facts behind the pairing. It’s a public relations set up. She is bisexual. He is gay. In fact, his ex-wife left him because she found him in bed with another guy! But for now, together, these two attractive actors make for crazed paparazzi and great photo ops. Well, that is, at least until their contract expires in a couple of months.
Actress: Zoe Saldana
Actor: Bradley Cooper
Actor’s Ex-Wife: Jennifer Esposito

Happy people

I cant believe it has been this lolng since i posted nothing.4 me the festive season was all gud nothing life changing and the new year has startrd on a gud note i reckon. things in ma personal life though still challanging and i might sat enlightening .

Looking forward to more post this year and hope we develop each other moving towards a prosperous future.


cheerz.