Boy oh boy was so stoned and felt so alive to finally, I mean finally have somebody I can call a boyfriend. He was everything I wanted, the looks, the beliefs, the focus, we shared the dreams of a happy future together, the promise of going against the grain and having a long lasting relationship in this lifestyle.
We met on facebook chitty chatty here and there and after some months of taking on the phone, we finally met and it was refreshing to see him, I mean my insides were boiling; he was someone I want to be with without a doubt.
Albeit 5 years younger than me ,I still felt we can do this, we had sex and well it was a new elating feeling to me ,I loved the new me, I felt like I have made progress to the shy conflicted ,self hating boy I was a couple of years back.
Having working from the city ,we agreed to try the long distance thing and see what happens, there where trouble started, he started being all emotionally moody, at times so low ,at times so hyper, for a while I dint it let it get to me –hez young anyway I told myself. few weeks went by and one day I called him on a Sunday morning and a chick picked up the call ,in that moment I dint even got alarmed ,but when I asked him of her ,in fact I was joking who was she if I weren’t doing him I would be prolly doing her, she had a voice of an angel…hez response alarmed me crazy, he started fumbling with answers that got me curious, that day we had our first fight where he into an emotional breakdown shutting off, he doesn’t pick call, return texts and goes into self pity that hez gay feelings are acting so I better leave him alone “he suffers”.
The ex issues arose,I kinder noticed hez still hung over him ,he told me he loved him so much and he traveled abroad to study and the relationship ended that really hurt him but they talk on the regular on skype and emails, this really pissed me off ,I knew at the back of my mind this is an alarm ringing but I decided to ignore it ,even against the better judgment of my close gay pal even though I broke it off and got back together.
This time I digged in depper to know the truth of how he really feels and he told me he hates hez gay side, he finds it hard to love-I mean I would tell him “I love him” many times but never a single time hed say it back*another ringing alarm. I felt like hez still in the self hate-confliction stage and its not easy dating
someone then due to the mixed emotions one goes through during this period, so now we are not talking and I have no idea how to go forward, a part of me wants to let go and another really treasures this guy –and wants to see what we can be in the long run, am in the cycle of dysfunctional love?