COLD BLUES

Its been very cold lately in Nairobi,i need a man blanket.......my man search continues albiet half heartadly ,the body is driving me literally insane ,it wants what it wants even if the mind says otherwise.
Any ho i have been to a couple of blind dates in the past month ,well many are typically Lemmie be nice,i will say not very my type even if i compromise ,though there is some prospects in the horizon.
This lifestyle is so emotionally exhausting at times..................

LUNCH BOY UPDATE

So here we go again,so jana I met lunch boy briefly albeit I was on a motorcycle and he was walking, it’s been lonely without seeing him of late since they have been on holiday since last week, It was so good finally seeing him, going by the way he stared at me ,I gather the feeling is mutual, it was almost like he was lusting ,the weather here is not helping either, the cold and gloomy clouds unending invitation to the warmth of a manly companion,lol. 

I think a part of me deep inside was so elated ,I dint even realize the office keys drooped somewhere along the road during my motoride home, too bad to realize this morning I din’t have the bunch of keys to various doors in our office,and yes I got a fundi and the doors were broken down, too much for lonely boy…xoxo.

Am typing this just from lunch and you guys wont guess who I met AGAIN!!!! OH GOD, why am such a coward or rather, lunch boy/nurse why are you such a coward, I wish you would have hit on me ages ago, we would had multiple orgasmic meets, we’d be “in love” hehe but seriously I was actually thinking of meeting him at the hotel but since he doesn’t school anymore I guess it was a lil elusive. so I went and lord I met another boy, he is rather tall, dark, sags(more flat than bubble-okay middle ass) good though, and hez sizable go figure….so I met him actually juzi, I got some type of vibe from him but I dint care or give it much thought until today he actually was glad to see me,(I could see it by the way hez eyes widened and sparkled) when he saw me. 

Am I emitting some type of homoerotic attracting scent or am just getting hotter ,I wonder what gives, back to lunch boy so as I was leaving I met him at the door….OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! This was the clearest of them clues nigga gets down with mr D…Since hez shy I must be the courageous one and get the damn number already, I mean I guess you guyz wanna hear how he is  in bed………so I pitched tent at a nearby fruit selling shop just nearby waiting to pounce of his hotness,  strategizing as well on how am going to pull this off.

He took to long and I had the office keys(not really) but I had to be back in the office by 2 before the bosses, so I decided to back in the hotel and take the number already, so I went I found lunch boy sitting in a corner ALONE ,”perfect,” I whispered to my self, before I reached at the table I had a guy calling my name,-damn you!!-hez a boy from ku doing an attachment with a related company ,we knew each other when him &  his collegues came to our office in a fact finding/study mission. We convo’d up a little bit with my eyes continuously gauging lunch boy’s movement, he stood and left ,that was my cue to leave as well, I followed him out and walked slowly behind him, his ass wasn’t thattt turning me on, I passed him without uttering a word, I thought he’d detour to another route only to look back and find him staring  @ me dead in the eyes, boy oh boy ,I wonder what we’ll become of me and lunch boy but on other matters “outing” I left this in blog post on the office computer and a collegue am suspecting read it so I think its gona be wiered………

I met another guy and the whole encounter was well “interesting” to say the least” I met him and spent at his house the same day,yea I know so unlike my style but there is a reason and you guyz should wait and hear the deets….

FOR BETTER FOR WORSE

Life is funny; it’s cruel, ruthless, crazy, fun, enlightening and filled with a ray of mixed emotions that sometimes way us down. The crisp difference between sadness and joy is so thin that situations can force us to make difficult decisions regarding what’s wrong from right.

In the this lifestyle, it’s even harder to make sound choices considering the cold homophobic environment we live in only to be compounded further by the utter illusionalism many gay men dream with, the perfect bf ,one who will carry our burdens, walk hand in hand in the streets without shame, one who hold you against his breathing broad chest ,you the one that makes you feel safe in his muscular arms ,ride and wallow in his toxic love, the perfect one that cares for nothing really but the love ,the bond the connection the two of you share, unfortunately  reality rains in our parade as the real gay world is filled with cheaters, hoes, callous, dirty, dreamers, self hating men ,daft ,sex crazies.

I believe there exist prolly good decent gay guys but goodness are they far and wide to be found, the ones that will be dedicated to something albeit not perfect or who believe in “working it out” irrespective of the differences  in opinions and sundry. I remember when my ex told me he has seizures before we even met, I freaked the hell out and called a very close g pal for counsel and what he told me I will never forget….he said “rob you have a character that can handle any situation, you are good hearted and kind guy, he may be just maybe the one you’ve been waiting for” 

I agreed and this never was an issue to me at all throughout the rship,I wouldn’t lie I was sometimes scared but I was going to be there for him through the worse ,I was going to be true to my character and be a good bf in worse & trying times, am writing this because a another friend confided in me about his ex bf and boy oh boy I was very saddened by the story….let me paraphrase…

They met in high school and began dating second term of fourth form, the rship was good, they enjoyed each other and life was good infact after exams ,he went and visited the bf at their rural place ,this would soon become the norm -they would visit each other back and forth so much both families knew the they were close pals…..tragedy happened and the bf was involved in a grisly accident that left him amputated on both legs, my friend was heartbroken and at loss  but he visited him often in the hospital…..one day the sister told my friend  the bf(brother) told him everything ,she knows their secret that the brother confided in her..of course then my friend was still struggling with his sexuality so he freaked out and never returned to the hospital but would occasionally tweet the sister checking if her brother is okay.

This is something that happened three four years ago and hez never communicated to his lover or the sister, until he told me the story a couple of days ago, I reasoned with him that sometimes what we need is to be that person that rises above adversity and difficult situations and be the better person, someone who can stick with us through thick and thin but because we get stuck up in looking for “perfect man” we get astray loose focus and end up with wounded lonely hearts..We have to think beyond what is physically attractive and look for the beauty within.

He finally called the sister and he reached his former lover who was nothing but ELATED,ECSTACTIC AND HAPPY that he can see his love’s face again, infact he  cracked a joke that he was so sure deep within his gut he would look for him even if it’s after five years. Dating again I have no idea but we should be people that bring happiness and joy to the ones we treasure, atleast we owe it to them…….   

Can you stick through better or worse……..

LUNCH BOY

Am such a douche , I know, it’s just I have been up and down lately and ignored my “diary”. Life is okay to say the least and am growing and liking the confidence I have developed over the years in terms with my sexuality. So there is this guy I keep meeting at my favorite lunch spot.hez tall chocolate, medum in body, ad say right in the right places,lol . i mean broad chest, nice goatee (am a sucker for men with this beard) ,bubble ass and to top it all nigga is sexy with swag in his walking style. At first I never cared about him but after several meet ups I would notice him staring at him me strangely, not to be cocky or jump into conclusions I never gave him the “eye contact thing” until I was sure .so this piqued my interest in him and I started noticing him, expecting him like u know looking forward for lunch just to see his face, I perve in my head the deets we would be doing in a free world. 

One thing about me I detest ,I think it’s my weakness- am a poor ice –convo breaker ,I don’t know how to start conversations with strangers more so boys that am attracted to, so its been a nightmare to say the least,  Week in week out I have made  resolutions to finally talk to him, I get to know where his head his,prolly he just wants friendship ,to compound my dilemma is the fact that my gaydar is so pathetic I have no idea if hez gay or not (can’t say by just looking at him) -no alarms at all.

BTW this cutey is a college boy at a medical training institute –a friend told me the probability of him playing for the winning team is high, male nurses are so G.so up my hopes for the night in my shinning amour,"save me person" "save me" my alter ego cries.

 One day I met him in a weekend on his casual clothes ,I swear i instantly hardened  ,he was so enticing to sleep with lol, I mean he was donning a cool fitting jeans pants of course his big dick print showing(yes I noticed that, lol) ,a black tight fitting tee shirt with cool imprints all over plus nice sneakers ,lawd I was swooned, then when he passed me as I turned our eyes met,  I wanted to grab him there and then to a make out session of his life.

Currently my time is running out and I have to act fast but I have no idea what to do ,he would be a good sex reliever ,this guy here is rusty,hehe……………………………………………………………..

IMPERFECTION

This came out so clearly during my first break up with the guy..
"i think you are not my type,when we met ,i knew u werent what i expected,but i met you ,you were fun and thought we'd work out,but you became wiered,the fights,the distance,u pissed me OFF,i blame u for this"
shocked ,broken ,confused, speechless were the emotions that engulfed me, i tried to reason and fight for "Us" but too little to late...
"you are an amazing person ,i wont find somebody like you,i wana keep you close" was what followed, ofcourse being me i masked the pain and smiled as the camera of life took pictures of perfect me but inside broken into piece i am.
I have learnt through this rship albeit short and rocky but my quest for a genuine guy whos not defined by their sexuality ,have control of their lives is the elusive dream am chasing!
my imperfection got the perfect illusion.:-((

Dilemma

Boy oh boy was so stoned and felt so alive to finally, I mean finally have somebody I can call a boyfriend. He was everything I wanted, the looks, the beliefs, the focus, we shared the dreams of a happy future together, the promise of going against the grain and having a long lasting relationship in this lifestyle.

We met on facebook chitty chatty here and there and after some months of taking on the phone, we finally met and it was refreshing to see him, I mean my insides were boiling; he was someone I want to be with without a doubt.

Albeit 5 years younger than me ,I still felt we can do this, we had sex and well it was a new elating feeling to me ,I loved the new me, I felt like I have made progress to the shy conflicted ,self hating boy I was a couple of years back.

Having working from the city ,we agreed to try the long distance thing and see what happens, there where trouble started, he started being all emotionally moody, at times so low ,at times so hyper, for a while I dint it let it get to me –hez young anyway I told myself. few weeks went by and one day I called him on a Sunday morning and a chick picked up the call ,in that moment I dint even got alarmed ,but when I asked him of her ,in fact I was joking who was she if I weren’t doing him I would be prolly doing her, she had a voice of an angel…hez response alarmed me crazy, he started fumbling with answers that got me curious, that day we had our first fight where he into an emotional breakdown shutting off, he doesn’t pick call, return texts and goes into self pity that hez gay feelings are acting so I better leave him alone “he suffers”.

The ex issues arose,I kinder noticed hez still hung over him ,he told me he loved him so much and he traveled abroad to study and the relationship ended that really hurt him but they talk on the regular on skype and emails, this really pissed me off ,I knew at the back of my mind this is an alarm ringing but I decided to ignore it ,even against the better judgment of my close gay pal even though I broke it off and got back together.

This time I digged in depper to know the truth of how he really feels and he told me he hates hez gay side, he finds it hard to love-I mean I would tell him “I love him” many times but never a single time hed say it back*another ringing alarm. I felt like hez still in the self hate-confliction stage and its not easy dating 

someone then due to the mixed emotions one goes through during this period, so now we are not talking and I have no idea how to go forward, a part of me wants to let go and another really treasures this guy –and wants to see what we can be in the long run, am in the cycle of dysfunctional love?