Dilemma

Boy oh boy was so stoned and felt so alive to finally, I mean finally have somebody I can call a boyfriend. He was everything I wanted, the looks, the beliefs, the focus, we shared the dreams of a happy future together, the promise of going against the grain and having a long lasting relationship in this lifestyle.

We met on facebook chitty chatty here and there and after some months of taking on the phone, we finally met and it was refreshing to see him, I mean my insides were boiling; he was someone I want to be with without a doubt.

Albeit 5 years younger than me ,I still felt we can do this, we had sex and well it was a new elating feeling to me ,I loved the new me, I felt like I have made progress to the shy conflicted ,self hating boy I was a couple of years back.

Having working from the city ,we agreed to try the long distance thing and see what happens, there where trouble started, he started being all emotionally moody, at times so low ,at times so hyper, for a while I dint it let it get to me –hez young anyway I told myself. few weeks went by and one day I called him on a Sunday morning and a chick picked up the call ,in that moment I dint even got alarmed ,but when I asked him of her ,in fact I was joking who was she if I weren’t doing him I would be prolly doing her, she had a voice of an angel…hez response alarmed me crazy, he started fumbling with answers that got me curious, that day we had our first fight where he into an emotional breakdown shutting off, he doesn’t pick call, return texts and goes into self pity that hez gay feelings are acting so I better leave him alone “he suffers”.

The ex issues arose,I kinder noticed hez still hung over him ,he told me he loved him so much and he traveled abroad to study and the relationship ended that really hurt him but they talk on the regular on skype and emails, this really pissed me off ,I knew at the back of my mind this is an alarm ringing but I decided to ignore it ,even against the better judgment of my close gay pal even though I broke it off and got back together.

This time I digged in depper to know the truth of how he really feels and he told me he hates hez gay side, he finds it hard to love-I mean I would tell him “I love him” many times but never a single time hed say it back*another ringing alarm. I felt like hez still in the self hate-confliction stage and its not easy dating 

someone then due to the mixed emotions one goes through during this period, so now we are not talking and I have no idea how to go forward, a part of me wants to let go and another really treasures this guy –and wants to see what we can be in the long run, am in the cycle of dysfunctional love?

NEW REALITY.

I have been MIA for a while and boy oh boy have i discovered so much in the gay scene in kenya.
Many revelations have shocked me, baffled, dissapointed, suprised and some gave me an elusive sense of finally settling in with a long term boyfriend.
Okay the guyz i have met have came in adverse dynamics and characters from the deluded femm guy who hates effeminate guys and thinks he behaves straight but how he twitches in his steps as he swings his hips.not withstanding is his whorish texts~ "how big is ur dick? "how long can you fuck".i blocked his ass asap.
Desperado came along my gudness his texts exhausted me, always horny, wants sex in every text and they r like hourly ..kicked to the curb.
Elusive gentleman ,gudness he mesmerised me with his voice and his english ,i felt deep within me he was mr right but unfortunately he left acold case ,maybe i wasnt his type.
Vain forlk, now here is where majority fall, they want to see your pic first before they even knw who you are, they post nude pics of themselves thinking its flattering, they want what they dont have themselves, they are so vain they want to meet you immediately judge nd move on, @ first itreally bored me but i came to understand they are alost lot looking for perfection the porn movies and clips elusively lie to us we can have.
In a good note have met some amazing gay friends, potentials though am still single and hoping i will be in bliss soon.

Time the healer

wow wow wow where do i start ,it been a fun 2012 and personally i have grown more comftable with myself and a tad bit arched out of my comfort zone.
my quest for man love stil goes on but it seems th efuture is bright and maybe just maybe i will plunge into the uncharted waters.
i have met a couple of "happy" friends who hav ebeen nothing but immense blessings ,my shoulders to cry on,my sanity when madness that comes with being gay over whelmes me.
funny but true the way i have hit on my two "straight" (stil believes niggas gay as hey" was appalling quite amaturish if you ask me,but experience is the best teacher ,i did a no no of outing myself to them yea yea it kinder well you know.
i came out to a close pal having a convo about trey songs me having the biggest crush on his gay ass ,he took it well, hez been very supportive and understanding which has drawn as closer.
hope 2013 will be a good year for me and finaly i find happines.

Coming out dispair

I read some coming out stories in a site and was amazed by the touching stories of how life has been so refreshing and rather new as they embrace the new sence of freedom.

I wish at times if this gay thing would be a choice as many on the mainstream say. honestly i would pass but since am innately with it i felt that the journey of self acceptance also need to include the opening of one's world to experience what others would bring
Comming out month passed and i started my journey of unshackling myself from york albeit cant promise family will be included in the "revelation"
Today i came out to a friend (was kinder hoping on the low hez bi) but his reaction stalted me to say the least ,he showed no emotion~no shock,anger,happiness, just behaved liked i dint say anything.i know some people ignore these revelation more if he aint digging it.
Am rather left despondent,angry with my vulnerability,feeling so melancholic and rather regretive.
I think am getting lost so much in these world of mixed emotions just hope one day i will see happines of being in a relationship with a guy since am deffinately going to marry a woman.
wheew!!!

NOT AGAIN URGH!!!

hey yo,i knw so so so long,after school i got an internship which was located at the country side .
yea am so missing the big city,so back to the main issue of this blog,i met a young relatively handsome guy here and boy did we have chemistry,i felt wiered since we have never discussed the issue of gayness or same sex attraction but i felt like my gaydar was telling me something.
i was getting attached emotionally then he totaly brings the issue of a girlfriend,and a convo we had that totaly convinced me nigga is straight.
for a moment i thought this would be my first but saddly the wait continues,wil i get a gay/bi guy among the straight forlk,mabe am luking at the wrong places,or wil someone find me hiding in this glass closet? i hope its transparent enough to get me a guy.
i broke up with my girlfriend ~yea was due..
wat can i say another straight bait.wait continues.cheers

Gone 2 soon *arabian crush*

Am really saddened by the recent death of my very hawt arabian neighbour "flames" i nick named him,infact he was the inspiration of the arabian fetish post.

Its really funny because we never known each other apart from simply hi waves.but his death was so sudden nd shocking adding to the fact his absolutely gorgeous smoking self was cremated.

He was so young ,unmarried,rich family,druggie buddies and gals throwing themselves at him so sad.Talk about eye candy loss.

Off gay sex

Was reading this blog "kindergayblog"(typing with the phone so cnt post the link) amazing btw.

Anyhow was reading some info about gay sex which was raised by a reader.

Being gay most tymes is captioned by "sealing the transition that is having gay sex" this is a stereotype many of us have that is really skewed.

Human beings are wired in different ways and even gay men have various ways of sexual gratification.many prefer anal penetratation,some prefer oral gratification,some just cuddling nd kissing does it (more 4 love birds)
so its not a rite of passage to have anal sex.

The crazy stories of the pain,feacal matter nd @ tymes consentual intercourse turning rape when one cant handle the pain scares many of us the virgins and its best that ones first tyme is done with an understanding and loving patner.

Use of adequate lube,condoms(for disease prevention) and a patner that can be well understanding if the pain becomes unbearable he can stop.

Sex labels can be a turn off more if sex needs an understanding.Tops never bottoms,bottoms dnt wana top,verse needs verse .Ample communication is very paramount for an eassy first tyme.
thoughts,experiences?