So far yet so near!!

Of late I have been grappling with this distasteful feeling of what will it really happen of me or maybe am not who I think I am, Let me tell a story, It was in my first year, I was friends with D. So many a times I used to go D`s class to say hi, but there was this friend of his called M who was strange. M really liked blinding me from behind like with his hands on my eyes a behavior I used to find very weird taking into account we were not friends. so fast forward few months our friendship kinder grew and we really got very close –we used to message one another very frequently on facebook or on the phone .M is one of these polite guys very innocent looking ,really Cute and generally neat. He is around 5`8 slender guy with very good sense of grooming.
I used to remember we`d hang out around campus and he would like just touch my nipples- very quickly catching me always unawares, and surprisingly enough it felt good (I was in this time- gay was nowhere in the equation)so I took this as an innocent buddy joke. Surprisingly this continued for a very long time and I actually never minded –I remember I asked him one day why he does that –he`d say he is a nipple kind of a guy –doesn’t matter if a guy’s or chicks, now my doubts about his sexuality started.
As time went on I started feeling this guy in a very weird sense since I have never done anything not even fall in love with a dude. I really started thinking of him a lot .One day we were from lunch and this guy tells me he would suck my dick-I looked at him in shock and disbelief like dude am a “GUY”-playing the straight card secretly hoping he actually means what he is saying .then before he entered his class he said he actually meant what he was saying am like yo gay jeez!! , that day my mind was just confused of what to say knowing he is probably waiting for a response ,So the next day I told him ad probably reciprocate (I sound like a teenager-really silly-he he)  then he was like dude I was joking so I let it go. M came back after holidays and started dating this chick, most of the times he`d be like am straight and moved on –not saying but his actions would scream this -just by the way nigga was dumped some 2 months ago the chick saying he is weak emotionally and a poor lover (dude a virgin) in the sense of romance not sex.
So I decide to stop joking and convinced myself me and him would not work, knowing no one between us has even acknowledged if we are gay. He started coming back with this nonsensical rubbish of stories –he would tell me about a gay couple he heard talking about sweet nothings to each other in the men’s toilet. Then he told me one day that the gay couple are cute together, am like why are u telling me shit you pretend u aint and deeply wanna have pliz bitch spare me.
Even though I managed to let go of the feelings of him ,there was this irresistible sexual attraction I have for the nigga, I would tell myself this “struggle” you know guys –its difficult and every one of us deals with it differently and at ones pace so I decided to let go of him to find himself but the truth I know nigga is Gay and hope he accepts the truth about himself- only time will tell the truth!!!
Recently after freshers came, there was this guy –we are doing the same course so we talked and kinder became fast friends, lets call him handsome (dude HOT!!Chicks have been all over his ass).so handsome and I have been hanging out together lately. The guy is like 20 yrs old so I consider him in a period of self realization and don’t wanna be preying on a vulnerable mind. The thing is of late I have been feeling this dude crazy and I think the feeling is somehow mutual but not very sure .The thing is that this guy gives me no queer vibe but yet I can totally make him do whatever. Do I tell him how I feel or just let go –need advice pple……………..
These two scenarios just gives me a sense that maybe I may have the feelings for guys but the big question comes to mind- am I ready to be in a relationship with one? , will it be mutual or “turning tables”?, is it right? ,am just right now at a point of confliction where I have no idea what to do? .yes I may feel attracted to guys but do I want to have gay sex –probably yes and no,-I guess am having the fear of the unknown synonymous with new things.
Please tell me better……………………
  
To be continued………..