ELUSIVE FANTACY

Life is a journey that we would love to control,hear the whispers of the wind on the trees,the cries of pain of the suffering,we mask ourselves hoping it gets better,we adapt to different situations and environnments in order to lessen the pain or increase the comftability. life is a strange process at times it overwhelms us with its facets of dynamism ,we so entangled so deep we fasten our belts but never know how to untie them.

Mr hot cake (lets call him SK) The man that unbuckled my safety belts and knuckled me senseless with his beauty.so i came out to him as i told you guys earlier.his response was rather strange,we were supposed to meet up on a wednesday ,so he told me he will hala .dude dint even care to text or call ,so i text him of course with an agitated sound to tell him we just call it off~hard hinted of my intentions and we cant be friends.so he was like its all gud if its what you want.My gudness it was such a painful period getting rid of the emotions and forgetting him,them he calls four days later like nothing happened that am silent.geez

So i texted him later that day telling him how i really feel,kissing his lips!gosh they are luscious,don't even start me up on his booty with all his man swag,maleness oozing of him,he does the sagging thing where i would see Dem cakes PERFECTLY i want him more.He has this tenderness about him that is so attractive so irresistible.

So he said NO it cant happen,it was heart piercing but also a sense of freedom i direly needed to be able to let go and move on.i have decided am not going to cling on something that is never going to happen ,the unavailable type that will mess my feelings as he enjoys his gf pussy without a care in the world.

My love wil go more to loving me and having more time for self reavaluation to find my strenghts that wil help me be a better person in my world as well as to the next lover.chasing shadows is epitomy of apathy in sence of delusionment that am not going to let take me over.i cant change him or make him a person he is not,to feel things he cant feel or know not how.letting go is a relieve that is gonna help me grow...

But strangely enough he gave me a sense of elusive fantasy ,that removed me from my comfort zone and finally made me crave to explore this side of me,listening to kate voegele,colbie caillat,joshua radin and jason mraz aint helping either but i guess these are experiences we learn from and be better persons.

cheers.

Happy people

I cant believe it has been this lolng since i posted nothing.4 me the festive season was all gud nothing life changing and the new year has startrd on a gud note i reckon. things in ma personal life though still challanging and i might sat enlightening .

Looking forward to more post this year and hope we develop each other moving towards a prosperous future.


cheerz.

NEW DAWN

Lately i have been feeling so much rejuvenated with life ,i have been finding myself and to say the truth ''me time'' has really worked for me this time. I have been wondering what it would fell like actually resolving to stop pushing the things that make you -you and embracing the inner you.

At times  ad feel really scared on what the world around me would think of me,the judgment ,the low whispering in the alley,street and other places,the gasp of my close friends and family would show when the know the truth.Many would resonate with me its a difficult undertaking more so when the future is so unknown.

Nevatheless i have made a resounding resolution to live a life of self worth coupled with self respect ,love and assurance. Whatever the world will hurl at me it will be dealt with accordingly and no fear or negative vibe will put me down. I guess a journey of a thousand miles start with one step and when i read the first post i did about me ,i feel i have really evolved and thanks to you guys for reading and your comments that have made me fell a sense of belonging in this journey of life.

I have been reading alot of new blogs (to me )lately and i found my footing where i lie.Both extremes can be comforting but i gues one has to find where your soul,mind and body clicks the best and thats where your true self  lies. As i have mentioned in this blog earlier am a person that many of my friends find valuable and to be really sure they will not bolt when i finaly unleash the beautiful truth is a surerity that i may reckon is far fetched.

Many a times when birds of a fether flock together one may be so oblivoius to the destructive ideologies as you are made to feel welcome in enjoying what is called living ''the truth'' i intend to take what is constructive and that which can add value to my life and embrace it . I will not be pulled in self medoicrity in the contest of promisciuty,desperation in the race to feel loved or experience what has been eluding me.

We all have what makes us and in respect of the new dawn in my life ,its not going to determine what i am and what i can achieve or do in my world.I  know some will disagree but we all have the freedom of choice ,the difference lies on how wise is your choice.

So as i said in the post i have read of very interesting blogs and i will do a blogs review and post the links in a laterpost so yo can check emm out. The traffic has been incresing lately and i love it-to my new readers enjoy-to all please feel free to comment or email-robmark516@gmail.com for topics you wann see discussed or any questions.

Happy thanksgiving.

Metroic Fear

Recently there was high drama and panic in a remote village in Kenya where something like a Metroic object fell from the sky. The villages went into panic for another fall so most went indoors and hoped for the best.

Imagine you are looking up in the sky and wondering if an object is gonna fall ,the  fear of the unexpected, fear of the future we know nothing about ,the shock ,blood rushing through the veins, the vasodilatation of the capillaries, the 1000 beats per second, the ultimate feeling of no control.

At times we are so overwhelmed by the metroic fear that we go numb, hibernate, hide, go quasi, passive or innate –inactive state that we don’t face the inner person we are to be the best we can be.

We have to learn to let go of our inequities, faults, disabilities and believe in your capabilities and making it in whatever that you are strong at. This has been one of the strongest vices that have kept me chained and not to appreciate the beautiful things human can be.

Many a times we fall in the depths excuses for the things we have not done , buying that car , taking the mortgage, chatting that hottie at the mall-she/he gave me that look “don’t even try” really ,we need to be courageous to face our most revered fears and make a mountain out of a more hill.

Inaction can be anything in general one feels so strongly about to make a move on but suddenly the metroic fear takes over.it overrides the mind in thinking anything constructive and of adding value to ones life.

Many who fear relationships –would be heard saying “men with commitments me nah,I don`t do r/ships” they are either complicated or a lot of drama –the commitment thing aint for me yo-one would retort.  Being hurt or in a previous emotionally draining r /ship doesn`t close the door to future bliss ,we have to go beyond our insecurities and find in ourselves the person that can be loved and love back.

Moreover ,in this kind of lifestyle,  many are perceived to be cheaters ,I mean the libido here is just crazy, many a times satisfaction is a word that has no place in the dictionary, many tend to have a variety it seems “interesting” . one night stand is the norm of the day –am no garbage bin for your trash but variety is good if traded carefully ad  reckon.

This has been a struggle for me esp. in going against the grain in dating ,with chicks its easy as it’s the norm thing to do but with dudes,  I have never tried risking, I mean what do one expect a slap, an outing, being shamed in public or living with guilt that one day amma be exposed to the world.

The feeling of somehow giving one too much to work with against my innocence is such a protective gear I have worn for many years,I don’t at times I wish the world would be so open one can just approach anyone and say what u thinks ,it would be easy but I guess we gotta learn to be patient and adapt to the environment we live in.i don’t want to regret something I would have prevented.

Sincerely right now am at a point where I don’t know what to do with myself but enjoy each day as precious, loving myself of course and strongly believing in what I know is right within my frame of judgment.

One day I guess I will be that courageous and hala………….

WHEN………***

 When it seems so surreal, it dawns with such heaviness within ones soul, everything moves so fast yet so slow.

When it burns you inside alive and there is not a possible way to extinguish the fire, you fell so hapless.

When its all said and done, yet there can be more stories to be told, a story to be untold ,a dreadful revelation to be unearthed, one fears and treble with fear of unknown.

When the fear of unknown takes us hostage, you can’t find to acknowledge the truth-it hurts so deeply yet in the midst of the pain you need to find love in whom you are.

When you seem to be the life of the party, everyone loves your gift of gab, you are a well of knowledge, people love your company, yet you feel so alone withing who you are.

When a smile and a voice to tell you –“it’s okay” is the only remedy your souls desperately craves yet one knows it’s never going to be enough to turn the tables.

When the entire confidence one exudes, so attractive. So strong, so admirable, yet at times you look in the mirror and you see the flaws you have, the feeling of ugliness rears through.

When the grace you extends to those in need is the medicine one needs to take.

When the pain becomes so unbearable, one writhes, cringes, moans, tears yet the happiness we so desperate want is withing who we are.

When its all said and done becomes a cliché quote, we start to question what has become of us, questions linger within our thoughts of who are we and what we want to be.

When it feels so bleak, like in solitude, when cling on hope that- the birds singing will usher the ray of new beginning we eager to commence.

When our conscience fails us to discern with what a facade is and what really intrigues our aspirations of being a success.

When the feeling of being inadequate, insignificant, against normal, helpless and in “something “you can`t find an adjective to describe –know all is not lost as find solace in finding yourself.

When vices become so enticing seemingly the only option we fail in our core dependent values that can thrust us to greatness we yearn to achieve.

When it feels like you are walking in a crowded street yet so alone, the world seems so deserted with souls walking rather than beings. No one can see you yet you yearn to be noticed.

When it feels so stupid to say, do or think something you can’t take back, you may feel anger and remorse at the same time. We wish we knew better

When knowing you is a task you haven`t conducted then you are at point of deveiaton.so deviate right or left the choice is yours.

When all these above happen, we may feel to let go and throw ourselves in a cocoon of self evaluation, being critical and melancholic within –know that it’s OK, you are allowed to be human and this will help you grow in what you want to be become.

Love you guys.

Hot realization

Lately i have been seeing hot guys around ,i mean everywhere i go am like this dude is kinder yummy.Just a few days ago i was in town jst walking then he passed me hurriedly MY GOSH -the first thing i saw was the beefy butt cakes ,men he was packing with a dem twos moving on accordance with his walking style. 


 He was brown skin,average height,more on the muscular side ,donning a hot tight t-shirt with low hanging rusty blue jeans with such swag i guessed he was perfect fucking material. He wore one earing on one side so i got a tiny tiny idea he might be playing on the good side.
  
There was also one day just recently i was coming to school and this hot neighbor -this guy is called rider -he loves riding a motor bike around the estate.recently he was involved  in a road accident and i knew from a friend of mine who is also his kinder best friend. so seeing him that day -imagine you guys the first thing taht came to my mind was i think i can fuck this guy as in can give up my virgin ass (cherry pooping- try guy sex for the first time) to this hot hunk.

The guy is relatively good looking to me average scale he as 8-10 being burning hot.he has this swag about him that is just so surreal yet so intriguing -i like to  mystery, by the way he gives me none gay vibe -you know those people you admire but never imagining anything working. The one thing that stood for me is how he made me make  such a deep decision regarding actually engaging gay sex. 4 real he can make me try it-4 him he does it -i don't know how but he has the x keys unlocking my innocence.


Lesson learn i mean dudes have "something" about their bodies that just does for me-be brown,relatively built,have nice cakes and killer personality yo have me twisted.

So far yet so near!!

Of late I have been grappling with this distasteful feeling of what will it really happen of me or maybe am not who I think I am, Let me tell a story, It was in my first year, I was friends with D. So many a times I used to go D`s class to say hi, but there was this friend of his called M who was strange. M really liked blinding me from behind like with his hands on my eyes a behavior I used to find very weird taking into account we were not friends. so fast forward few months our friendship kinder grew and we really got very close –we used to message one another very frequently on facebook or on the phone .M is one of these polite guys very innocent looking ,really Cute and generally neat. He is around 5`8 slender guy with very good sense of grooming.
I used to remember we`d hang out around campus and he would like just touch my nipples- very quickly catching me always unawares, and surprisingly enough it felt good (I was in this time- gay was nowhere in the equation)so I took this as an innocent buddy joke. Surprisingly this continued for a very long time and I actually never minded –I remember I asked him one day why he does that –he`d say he is a nipple kind of a guy –doesn’t matter if a guy’s or chicks, now my doubts about his sexuality started.
As time went on I started feeling this guy in a very weird sense since I have never done anything not even fall in love with a dude. I really started thinking of him a lot .One day we were from lunch and this guy tells me he would suck my dick-I looked at him in shock and disbelief like dude am a “GUY”-playing the straight card secretly hoping he actually means what he is saying .then before he entered his class he said he actually meant what he was saying am like yo gay jeez!! , that day my mind was just confused of what to say knowing he is probably waiting for a response ,So the next day I told him ad probably reciprocate (I sound like a teenager-really silly-he he)  then he was like dude I was joking so I let it go. M came back after holidays and started dating this chick, most of the times he`d be like am straight and moved on –not saying but his actions would scream this -just by the way nigga was dumped some 2 months ago the chick saying he is weak emotionally and a poor lover (dude a virgin) in the sense of romance not sex.
So I decide to stop joking and convinced myself me and him would not work, knowing no one between us has even acknowledged if we are gay. He started coming back with this nonsensical rubbish of stories –he would tell me about a gay couple he heard talking about sweet nothings to each other in the men’s toilet. Then he told me one day that the gay couple are cute together, am like why are u telling me shit you pretend u aint and deeply wanna have pliz bitch spare me.
Even though I managed to let go of the feelings of him ,there was this irresistible sexual attraction I have for the nigga, I would tell myself this “struggle” you know guys –its difficult and every one of us deals with it differently and at ones pace so I decided to let go of him to find himself but the truth I know nigga is Gay and hope he accepts the truth about himself- only time will tell the truth!!!
Recently after freshers came, there was this guy –we are doing the same course so we talked and kinder became fast friends, lets call him handsome (dude HOT!!Chicks have been all over his ass).so handsome and I have been hanging out together lately. The guy is like 20 yrs old so I consider him in a period of self realization and don’t wanna be preying on a vulnerable mind. The thing is of late I have been feeling this dude crazy and I think the feeling is somehow mutual but not very sure .The thing is that this guy gives me no queer vibe but yet I can totally make him do whatever. Do I tell him how I feel or just let go –need advice pple……………..
These two scenarios just gives me a sense that maybe I may have the feelings for guys but the big question comes to mind- am I ready to be in a relationship with one? , will it be mutual or “turning tables”?, is it right? ,am just right now at a point of confliction where I have no idea what to do? .yes I may feel attracted to guys but do I want to have gay sex –probably yes and no,-I guess am having the fear of the unknown synonymous with new things.
Please tell me better……………………
  
To be continued………..