IDENTITY

when i was growing up ,my life was in shambles living as an orphan that no one wanted,found a burden by many,dispised more often ,as a child we feel bruised and emoionally emasculated.

One has to find solace and a strength in what makes us feel valuable and full of worth.many a times we develop a thick skin to block the pain away.

This rather developed me into a being that is self aware and know my guards ohh to well,using my strengths to my benefits and working through my weaknesses to be better.

Self identity is a process that can take years depending with factors one lives in.One would ask me what is your strongest point as many will go with  physicality,achievements but i would rather without a shred of doubt go for my mind.It can open doors and overcome barriers @ times even living me all to well perplexed by my capabilities.

Sexuality is one of the hardest things that has really bagged me strongly i might say.I feel attracted to guys yes but never acted upon it until recently finally caving out of the comfort shell.many around me know am very opinionated and have strong value for certain things in life like homosexuality.

Many gays find their identities on their sexuality ,its what they flaunt ,its who they really and all about yet ,being critical of them based on that they find offense.*DEBATEABLE*

Lets find identity on our content of characters we are inside of us.was listening to this bbc documentary of gays in turkey who don't want to go to the army so to be allowed to do so they have to prove they are gay~photos or sex tapes.i get their pain but why cant gay men prove we are just as MEN like other men.

Where is the masculine gay constructor "left" he is just as gay , gay doesn't have to be all sissy ,wanna be female which Hollywood is showing.more so here in Kenya. gay people are associated with prostitution and femininity which is VERY vague and insulting.there is a straight looking accountant,
chef,teacher,ceo,engineer,lawyer who's identity is not really his sexuality but what he stands for in the society.

We are fabulous beings and we aught to eradicate the "vast" misconceptions by giving our identity some concrete.we just so happen to enjoy sex with the same gender but we are just as men ..

Metroic Fear

Recently there was high drama and panic in a remote village in Kenya where something like a Metroic object fell from the sky. The villages went into panic for another fall so most went indoors and hoped for the best.

Imagine you are looking up in the sky and wondering if an object is gonna fall ,the  fear of the unexpected, fear of the future we know nothing about ,the shock ,blood rushing through the veins, the vasodilatation of the capillaries, the 1000 beats per second, the ultimate feeling of no control.

At times we are so overwhelmed by the metroic fear that we go numb, hibernate, hide, go quasi, passive or innate –inactive state that we don’t face the inner person we are to be the best we can be.

We have to learn to let go of our inequities, faults, disabilities and believe in your capabilities and making it in whatever that you are strong at. This has been one of the strongest vices that have kept me chained and not to appreciate the beautiful things human can be.

Many a times we fall in the depths excuses for the things we have not done , buying that car , taking the mortgage, chatting that hottie at the mall-she/he gave me that look “don’t even try” really ,we need to be courageous to face our most revered fears and make a mountain out of a more hill.

Inaction can be anything in general one feels so strongly about to make a move on but suddenly the metroic fear takes over.it overrides the mind in thinking anything constructive and of adding value to ones life.

Many who fear relationships –would be heard saying “men with commitments me nah,I don`t do r/ships” they are either complicated or a lot of drama –the commitment thing aint for me yo-one would retort.  Being hurt or in a previous emotionally draining r /ship doesn`t close the door to future bliss ,we have to go beyond our insecurities and find in ourselves the person that can be loved and love back.

Moreover ,in this kind of lifestyle,  many are perceived to be cheaters ,I mean the libido here is just crazy, many a times satisfaction is a word that has no place in the dictionary, many tend to have a variety it seems “interesting” . one night stand is the norm of the day –am no garbage bin for your trash but variety is good if traded carefully ad  reckon.

This has been a struggle for me esp. in going against the grain in dating ,with chicks its easy as it’s the norm thing to do but with dudes,  I have never tried risking, I mean what do one expect a slap, an outing, being shamed in public or living with guilt that one day amma be exposed to the world.

The feeling of somehow giving one too much to work with against my innocence is such a protective gear I have worn for many years,I don’t at times I wish the world would be so open one can just approach anyone and say what u thinks ,it would be easy but I guess we gotta learn to be patient and adapt to the environment we live in.i don’t want to regret something I would have prevented.

Sincerely right now am at a point where I don’t know what to do with myself but enjoy each day as precious, loving myself of course and strongly believing in what I know is right within my frame of judgment.

One day I guess I will be that courageous and hala………….

Hot realization

Lately i have been seeing hot guys around ,i mean everywhere i go am like this dude is kinder yummy.Just a few days ago i was in town jst walking then he passed me hurriedly MY GOSH -the first thing i saw was the beefy butt cakes ,men he was packing with a dem twos moving on accordance with his walking style. 


 He was brown skin,average height,more on the muscular side ,donning a hot tight t-shirt with low hanging rusty blue jeans with such swag i guessed he was perfect fucking material. He wore one earing on one side so i got a tiny tiny idea he might be playing on the good side.
  
There was also one day just recently i was coming to school and this hot neighbor -this guy is called rider -he loves riding a motor bike around the estate.recently he was involved  in a road accident and i knew from a friend of mine who is also his kinder best friend. so seeing him that day -imagine you guys the first thing taht came to my mind was i think i can fuck this guy as in can give up my virgin ass (cherry pooping- try guy sex for the first time) to this hot hunk.

The guy is relatively good looking to me average scale he as 8-10 being burning hot.he has this swag about him that is just so surreal yet so intriguing -i like to  mystery, by the way he gives me none gay vibe -you know those people you admire but never imagining anything working. The one thing that stood for me is how he made me make  such a deep decision regarding actually engaging gay sex. 4 real he can make me try it-4 him he does it -i don't know how but he has the x keys unlocking my innocence.


Lesson learn i mean dudes have "something" about their bodies that just does for me-be brown,relatively built,have nice cakes and killer personality yo have me twisted.