Boy oh boy was so stoned and felt so alive to finally, I mean
finally have somebody I can call a boyfriend. He was everything I wanted, the
looks, the beliefs, the focus, we shared the dreams of a happy future together,
the promise of going against the grain and having a long lasting relationship
in this lifestyle.
We met on facebook chitty chatty here and there and after
some months of taking on the phone, we finally met and it was refreshing to see
him, I mean my insides were boiling; he was someone I want to be with without a
doubt.
Albeit 5 years younger than me ,I still felt we can do this,
we had sex and well it was a new elating feeling to me ,I loved the new me, I felt
like I have made progress to the shy conflicted ,self hating boy I was a couple
of years back.
Having working from the city ,we agreed to try the long
distance thing and see what happens, there where trouble started, he started
being all emotionally moody, at times so low ,at times so hyper, for a while I dint
it let it get to me –hez young anyway I told myself. few weeks went by and one
day I called him on a Sunday morning and a chick picked up the call ,in that
moment I dint even got alarmed ,but when I asked him of her ,in fact I was joking
who was she if I weren’t doing him I would be prolly doing her, she had a voice
of an angel…hez response alarmed me crazy, he started fumbling with answers
that got me curious, that day we had our first fight where he into an emotional
breakdown shutting off, he doesn’t pick call, return texts and goes into self
pity that hez gay feelings are acting so I better leave him alone “he suffers”.
The ex issues arose,I kinder noticed hez still hung over him
,he told me he loved him so much and he traveled abroad to study and the relationship
ended that really hurt him but they talk on the regular on skype and emails,
this really pissed me off ,I knew at the back of my mind this is an alarm
ringing but I decided to ignore it ,even against the better judgment of my
close gay pal even though I broke it off and got back together.
This time I digged in depper to know the truth of how he
really feels and he told me he hates hez gay side, he finds it hard to love-I mean
I would tell him “I love him” many times but never a single time hed say it
back*another ringing alarm. I felt like hez still in the self hate-confliction
stage and its not easy dating
someone then due to the mixed emotions one goes
through during this period, so now we are not talking and I have no idea how to
go forward, a part of me wants to let go and another really treasures this guy –and
wants to see what we can be in the long run, am in the cycle of dysfunctional
love?
